A Brick in the Road

My heart is deeply troubled. One of my guy friends that I message regularly on Facebook chat told me he was feeling horny and asked if I had a sex toy. I’m thinking I need to either de-friend him or avoid him. Luckily I told him not to violate Matthew 5:28, but I don’t think he understood that. He’s not exactly a church goer.

I’m sort of feeling like I need to hang around my gal friends from now on. I’m seriously tired of being around friends that really aren’t my friends. I’m tired of people trying to use me and treat me lower than a prostitute. At least prostitutes have some dignity. Men treat me like I have none.

I need to pray about this. I also need to discern God’s will for me. I know this is strange to say, but I have always wanted children. It’s a weird desire, I know. But at the same time, would an earthly marriage prevent me from having a closer relationship with God? Are all men like this? Sometimes I wonder.

Cruelty

I am writing this because I am struggling with a particular issue: men. I don’t understand them. Period. It’s almost like there are little signs on their heads negating their thoughts. Why are they so confusing? Why are they so shallow?

I HATE men. Hate is a strong word, but fitting. I don’t want anything to do with them. I can’t even stand being around them right now.

Why does God give me men that are so cruel? Does He think it’s funny? I just don’t get it.

I’m not laughing.

Confessional #1

Confession is not something I’m particularly good at, but I know that I have been secluding God in certain areas of my life. So, here goes:

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. We decided to eat super at the Union together, and I wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but I did it anyway. I thought, “Well, things are fine now. We can just be friends.” I was WRONG. As I made the decision to meet him, something deep down knew that I was too vulnerable, too weak, and ready to believe the lies.

I was in pain. Rocks chiseled my skull as if it were a stone. I wanted so badly to fix things, to make “us” okay. We were talking at dinner and it sounded like everything was going alright, though he walked me home and started criticizing my faith again. He said things like, why do you believe the Bible is true when there are so many contradictory statements in it? Why can’t you just trust in God, why do you have to believe some crazy story about another human being God? Do you think that Jews are going to hell? What happened to people before Christianity became a religion? I answered to him that Jesus was the reason to have faith in God; and that before Christ, people believed there would be a Messiah. I kept trying to help him, but he had such a hard time with that. The pain went on.

I had such a hard time with this relationship. When I was with him, I was serving him more than God, but the Bible says, “You must give yourselves fully to the LORD and serve only Him” (1 Samuel 7:3). As I was reading 1 Samuel, I wondered, will I still love Christ if He never gives me a man to marry? My answer is yes. I have all I need in Jesus. The people He blesses me with are gifts. I don’t deserve any of them. I hope to remember this important thought everyday. Thank you Lord for loving me so much, even when I am feeling alone.

Spiritual Leadership and Dating

It is now day 18, just 22 days left of my fast (from sweets and communicating to a boy in my life). Right now, I feel stuck in between what could have been and what should have been. But I’ve also realized that I have not been “living” my life ever since I met him. He was not a Christian and I was trying to follow his way of life.

I found this post, and it really helped me understand how I related to him.

Sleep Log

Week 1 (August 3-9):

Sunday: 0200-1100… yikes!

I had a bad day and lost sleep over a messy relationship.

Monday: 0100-0815

I was so tired, that I could not wake up to my alarm.

Tuesday: 1230-0800

Ditto… I’m going to bed earlier, but I still feel like I need more sleep. Plus, I need to get up *earlier*. Any tips on how to fall asleep earlier?

Wednesday: 0030-0640… I was so tired in the morning, I had to take a nap before lunch. Though, I wasn’t so tired the rest of the day. Maybe I need to limit my computer time? I am on my computer all day. Such a time-waster. Tomorrow is another day.

Thursday: 0040-0630… I felt so horrible, that went I got home from work, I slept for 2 hours. Why can’t I go to sleep at a descent time? Yesterday, I was so stressed out. Not only about all the events going on in my life, but about a relationship I am in.

I feel so stressed out because it doesn’t seem like he wants the relationship to work, and I also feel like I would have to change him if it ever would. Any thoughts? Am I wasting my time or is this just a learning experience? It used to be a learning experience for me, but now I don’t learn anything new. 

Sometimes I wonder, does God even want me to be in this relationship? I feel like the relationship has absolutely no commitment. I feel insecure because he still loves the person he used to be with. I feel like I have to reach for affection. It makes me feel scarred to death. I am so worried about making mistakes, as both my parents have been divorced and remarried. 

I’m not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if you do, please pray for me. For my soul, my health, my faith, and most of all, my wisdom. It seems so complicated for me to pray about it because I’m too afraid of what God will say. If I hear something I don’t want to hear, I’m not sure if it is coming from God, myself, or the enemy. 

I am currently reading, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer, and I have realized that my mind is at WAR. How can I make it stop? Why can’t I just end this relationship that is causing me so much pain? I feel jealous, lost, confused, depressed, alone, hopeless, doubtful, manipulated, vulnerable-to the point of changing the person I am. I know that I can’t do this anymore. Is he the problem? Am I the problem? Or was this just not in God’s plan? Am I being impatient for the one God has chosen for me? Will I still love God if He doesn’t give me a man to marry? My answer is yes. Thanks be to Jesus for loving me so much. He died for me and if He saw me in this situation, He wouldn’t exactly be throwing a pity party. Maybe I need to view my life from God’s perspective. What would He think about it?

Friday: 0445-0630… Not so good. I think naps are my problem. I actually just took a 3 hour nap from an incredibly exhausting day. I NEED to go to bed by 2300 tonight (if not earlier), as I have drill at 0600 in the morning. I should get in the mindset to always go to bed at least before midnight. Otherwise, I’m super miserable every day. I need to pray about my sleep. I can’t seem to get a handle of this on my own.

Saturday: 0440-0530. I was so tired today, that I fell asleep after work for 4 hours… yikes! To change this cycle, I’m going to bed BEFORE midnight tonight.