A Hug from God

Hi there, it’s me. My day did not go as planned today, but I am now seeking truth in myself.

I ended a relationship with a boy that has been going on for two years. I’m not sure if we will ever get back together, but I really don’t think he wants to be with me, which is why I ended it. I love him but I feel like he is just using me. I want to get better at communicating to him, but he has not tried. I want to marry him someday, but I don’t think he feels the same way. For me, a relationship needs to have a good legacy; and if there is none, then why bother?

I’m trying to find myself. Where do I want to be? Where does the world want me to be? Or better yet, where does God want me to be? I need to pray for wisdom, strength, and love. I also need to pray for healing. And I will remember that I’m going to be okay because I am in God’s hands.

Sleep Log

Week 1 (August 3-9):

Sunday: 0200-1100… yikes!

I had a bad day and lost sleep over a messy relationship.

Monday: 0100-0815

I was so tired, that I could not wake up to my alarm.

Tuesday: 1230-0800

Ditto… I’m going to bed earlier, but I still feel like I need more sleep. Plus, I need to get up *earlier*. Any tips on how to fall asleep earlier?

Wednesday: 0030-0640… I was so tired in the morning, I had to take a nap before lunch. Though, I wasn’t so tired the rest of the day. Maybe I need to limit my computer time? I am on my computer all day. Such a time-waster. Tomorrow is another day.

Thursday: 0040-0630… I felt so horrible, that went I got home from work, I slept for 2 hours. Why can’t I go to sleep at a descent time? Yesterday, I was so stressed out. Not only about all the events going on in my life, but about a relationship I am in.

I feel so stressed out because it doesn’t seem like he wants the relationship to work, and I also feel like I would have to change him if it ever would. Any thoughts? Am I wasting my time or is this just a learning experience? It used to be a learning experience for me, but now I don’t learn anything new. 

Sometimes I wonder, does God even want me to be in this relationship? I feel like the relationship has absolutely no commitment. I feel insecure because he still loves the person he used to be with. I feel like I have to reach for affection. It makes me feel scarred to death. I am so worried about making mistakes, as both my parents have been divorced and remarried. 

I’m not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if you do, please pray for me. For my soul, my health, my faith, and most of all, my wisdom. It seems so complicated for me to pray about it because I’m too afraid of what God will say. If I hear something I don’t want to hear, I’m not sure if it is coming from God, myself, or the enemy. 

I am currently reading, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer, and I have realized that my mind is at WAR. How can I make it stop? Why can’t I just end this relationship that is causing me so much pain? I feel jealous, lost, confused, depressed, alone, hopeless, doubtful, manipulated, vulnerable-to the point of changing the person I am. I know that I can’t do this anymore. Is he the problem? Am I the problem? Or was this just not in God’s plan? Am I being impatient for the one God has chosen for me? Will I still love God if He doesn’t give me a man to marry? My answer is yes. Thanks be to Jesus for loving me so much. He died for me and if He saw me in this situation, He wouldn’t exactly be throwing a pity party. Maybe I need to view my life from God’s perspective. What would He think about it?

Friday: 0445-0630… Not so good. I think naps are my problem. I actually just took a 3 hour nap from an incredibly exhausting day. I NEED to go to bed by 2300 tonight (if not earlier), as I have drill at 0600 in the morning. I should get in the mindset to always go to bed at least before midnight. Otherwise, I’m super miserable every day. I need to pray about my sleep. I can’t seem to get a handle of this on my own.

Saturday: 0440-0530. I was so tired today, that I fell asleep after work for 4 hours… yikes! To change this cycle, I’m going to bed BEFORE midnight tonight.

Who are we really following?

At the NDANG chaplain worship service, one of the chaplain assistant’s served his last day. He graduated from North Central University to be a youth pastor in Wilmar, MN. We will miss him, as he used his musical talent to worship God and told so many amazing stories.

 Today, he shared a baseball story, where he comes up to the bat and lets out a swing. Strike one! He starts feeling nervous. So, he makes a couple practice swings for the second pitch. Strike two! Now he plans on bunting the final strike, making it easy to sprint to first base. However, he decides to swing it at the last second, and CRACK–he hits the ball and runs like the wind to first base. Pausing on first, he looks up to see his coach saying, “HOMERUN!” As he slides back to home, the crowd rises and applauds.

 On this day, his girlfriend said, “If he hit’s a homerun today, I know I’m supposed to marry him.” When they got engaged, she told him about the baseball story and feeling like he was “the one” for her. When he asked her to marry him, he also asked her to “follow” him. This made sense. When we marry someone, we also agree to follow them. The same applies if we give our hearts to Jesus–we agree to follow Him. It is important to marry in Christ, something I have been thinking a lot about lately. When people enter a good marriage, they just seem to “know” they are the one.

 This relates to my previous relationship and “knowing” whether he was the one. The person I was with was unsure about his faith. I did not know what to do and I kept blaming myself. But then I realized that this is up to God and that I cannot take His place. God’s plan seemed to be different from my own. I shouldn’t be in a relationship just because I feel loved. I need someone who follows Christ and loves me as Christ does. My plan would be to stay with him, but I felt God tugging me away from that plan.

 Our plan to “bunt” everything thrown at us and taking the easy way out is not God’s plan. He wants us to feel confident, without turning back. No matter how much I try to plan, I just need to give my life to God. He wants to play a part in every decision we make. This includes all decisions–relationships, jobs, everyday choices, and so on. If we don’t allow Him to play this role, who are we really following? Ourselves? Our girlfriend/boyfriend? Other idols? God wants us to chose Him to defeat the idols that are continually thrown at us.