Posts Tagged life
Smell the Beautiful Roses
I suppose (in Minnesotan) that I should talk about what has been going on in my life. My spiritual brother and I have decided to start a courting relationship, also known as “dating with a purpose.” I like this concept! Yet, I am freaked out and happy and excited and scared and my mind is racing with thoughts. What should I do differently? How can I show him that I care about him? Basically, how do I not screw it up?
I am not necessarily afraid of messing up the core of the relationship, but I am afraid that we are taking it too far too soon. I don’t want this new level of love to change our already well-developed friendship. If that happens, I’m afraid it will die out soon. David, if you are reading this, please know that I love you and care about you so much. I want you to know that. I want you to be ridiculously happy. We need to stop putting so much focus on the relationship that we lose focus on God, our lives, and ultimately, the friendship we have grown this year.
That said, I hope that we can continue being what we have become. I am sincerely excited about this next step we are taking because truthfully, I have wanted to do this but was too afraid to say it or I was very certain that you didn’t want to. My goal is to not focus solely on the relationship aspect, as that can make us become overly obsessed with it. I KNOW this can become a horrible obstacle in a relationship. You are my best friend, my spiritual brother, my courter. You are a gift from God. Please let everything happen naturally, don’t rush anything, don’t change the wonderful person you are, stay sane, and as my grandma always said, “Take time to smell the roses.”
Add comment October 6, 2009
Won’t Back Down
Well I wont back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
- I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty
Add comment September 30, 2009
Life
I am blogging tonight because I need to vent. I am tired of life right now. I hate living on this earth being an unwanted piece of trash. Why do people hate me? Why does God hate me? Why can’t I be a different person? Why does life have to be so complicated? Simply put: why am I a screw up?
You’d think I would be able to get by in life, pretending people can deal with me, pretending God is okay me, pretending I’m something I’m not.
You’re probably wondering what is twisting my heart to shreds right now. I feel like people hate me, yet can’t admit it to me. No. People are too damn nice for that.
I’m struggling. I’m searching. I’m reaching out to that last straw in my life, but I can’t find it. What the hell is wrong with me?
I want to be alone right now. I want to curl up into a big old dumpster where I belong. People need to lock up people like me.
I wish I could change my world this minute, but it doesn’t work that way.
It just is.
Add comment September 7, 2009
Answers that haunt me…
My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:
1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?
Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.
2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?
Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.
3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?
Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.
4. Can I be trusted?
I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).
5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?
I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes. 
6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?
All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!
7. Did the Bible live in me today?
Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?
8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?
Nope. I need to change this!!!
9. Am I enjoying prayer?
Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.
10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?
November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?
P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.
11. Do I pray about the money I spend?
No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.
12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?
A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.
13. Do I disobey God in anything?
Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!
14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?
Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.
15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?
Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.
16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?
ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.
17. How do I spend my spare time?
Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.
18. Am I proud?
No.
19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?
No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.
20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?
Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.
21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?
Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!
22. Is Christ real to me?
Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.
Dear God:
I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.
Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.
I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.
I love you,
Jessica
Add comment January 26, 2009
Waiting for a New Year
Hi again. Just checking back, mainly because there is something I really need to share.
I have been writing in this blog for most of this year, and I feel like I keep writing (and thinking) about *that* person. The person I wanted to change so that he could be with me. Then I realized that I can’t change him. I can only change myself, and that is exactly what I need to do. I have developed mild depression, high anxiety, and chronic headaches this year, so I’m trying to get better.
Lord, I don’t want to have migraines anymore. I am in so much pain. I know that I haven’t been going to You about my pain. I just ignored it ’cause I thought I’d be fine without Your help. But that is so untrue. I need You so much Lord. Please heal my headaches and my heart.
I want to thank You so much for my dear friend, Sarah. She helped me remember that You are always with me, no matter what. Even if I’m not the perfect student, friend, or daughter. Bless Sarah’s grandma and her family. Thank You for having her in my life.
I also want to thank You for second chances. Regardless of where I am, I still have a New Year ahead of me. For now, my New Years resolutions are to (1) Pray to You for wisdom (James 1:5) in regards to what resolutions, if any, You would have me make; (2) Pray for wisdom as to how to fulfill the goals You give me; (3) Rely on Your strength to help me; (4) Encourage my accountability partner; (5) Don’t become discouraged with occasional failures; instead allow them to motivate me further; (6) Don’t become proud or vain, but give You the glory. Psalm 37:5-6, “Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”
Thank You Lord for the upcoming new year, and for the second chances 2009 will bring.
5 comments December 29, 2008
Spiritual Leadership and Dating
It is now day 18, just 22 days left of my fast (from sweets and communicating to a boy in my life). Right now, I feel stuck in between what could have been and what should have been. But I’ve also realized that I have not been “living” my life ever since I met him. He was not a Christian and I was trying to follow his way of life.
I found this post, and it really helped me understand how I related to him.
Add comment October 2, 2008
A Runner’s World – Week 1
July 20, 2008
1 bowl of oatmeal, milk, 1 yummy quesadilla , FUZE drink, celery-I don’t think this has satisfied my biological food pyramid. 
biked: about 30 min? I was going to bike for 16 miles, but I got paranoid because my new spedometer wasn’t working.
Thoughts: I’m frustrated with life. Sometimes I wonder why I keep myself so busy. It is so hard to sit down and read or write because I have so many other things on my mind. Maybe I should just start writing down my current thoughts more often so that I will be less frustrated… Then, hopefully, I can sit down to read or write in *peace*.
What should I do differently in my life to read more? Although I am an English major, I feel as if I’m lacking in this area. And I KNOW it’s not because I don’t like reading. It’s because I can’t enjoy it with everything else going on.
Like running for instance. If life seems to get busy, I stop running. But the key word here is *seem.* Sometimes my life *seems* to get busy when I am trying to run away from everything in my life, including God. I know that when I have made decisions that are not part of His plan, I start avoiding Him and everything else in my life. I just try to keep extra busy so that I don’t have to think about it.
I am looking for guidance on how to change this cycle. For one, I need to turn to God’s word. Second, I need to list my *priorities.* I get so disappointed in myself when I get everything done for the day except for what I really wanted to get done-homework, studying, reading-all of which I used to enjoy, but now it just seems like another thing to cross of my list, as if it was not suppose to be enjoyable.
Well, there you have it. Any thoughts on how to prioritize/plan life, and enjoy it at the same time?
21 July 2008
Food: celery, tortilla, california burgers (in tortillas), LOTS of potato salad, orange and white tea FUZE drinks–I still need to eat more… maybe I just need to get grocery shopping figured out.
Biked: 16 miles (yay!) in 1 hour and 40 minutes, averaging 9.6 mph and a max of 17.1 mph… I went way too slow–mainly because I had to keep stopping (it was very dark and I was stopping between lights/blocks). I need to start using the bike path. The only problem is, I don’t think I can ride there in the dark (there are no lights). I should also start in the morning so that I can be energized for the day, and not have to worry about pesky misquitos!!! :[ My goal for tomorrow morning is to bike 15 miles in less than an hour. I’m pretty sure I can do this because I won’t have to keep stopping. After I bike, I hope to run 3 miles, in less than 30 minutes (if I can find my stop watch )… Furthermore, I realized why I’ve been so frustrated today. I will post a blog about this later in the week, as I feel like I need to think about it more and find some inspiring words. So check back for further updates.
22 July 2008
Food: Special K w/ strawberries, milk, apple juice, California burgers-again, FUZE drink, chocolate rice crispy bar… hmm, is this healthy? I just feel like I need something more. Any suggestions on how to have a healthier diet?
Biked: 15 miles in 1 hour and 5 minutes (SO close to my goal), averaging 13 mph and a max of 17.9 mph. Today went so much better. I was able to *see* on the bike path and I did not have to stop as often. Not sure if tomorrow is going to be a good day (I have lots of homework). I think I’ll just run a mile tomorrow morning and call it good.
23 July 2008
Food: Special K w/ strawberries, milk, apple juice, 2 chicken Sammies, and being waffle cone Wednesday, I couldn’t pass up a white chocolate ice-cream cone… oh yes, and a green tea FUZE drink- I’m not sure if I have a good diet, but I definitely feel as if I’m eating enough (even though I feel I should eat more). However, It feels like there’s no variety. Hmmm. I guess I’ll have go grocery shopping again.
Ran: 1 mile in a measly 11 minutes. Not only was I sore and tired, but I had trouble breathing. Maybe I should start taking my inhaler before exercising from now on. Actually, I think my acid reflux has something to do with my breathing problems, so I’ll have to set up another doctor’s appointment before school starts. My goal for tomorrow is to run 3 miles in less than 30 minutes. Wish me luck!
24 July 2008
Food: LOTS of flax cereal, milk, apple juice, turkey and cheese sandwich; sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich; raspberry julius (yum )… I feel like I ate a lot today, but I probably needed it.
Exercise:
12 Pushups (in a row-I have a long ways to go ^_^)
Ran: 3 miles in 30 min and 57 seconds (SO close to my goal). I still had trouble breathing today. I was trying really hard to run it under 30 minutes, but I was wheezing very heavily the whole time. I need to remember to use my inhaler *before* exercising. But I also want to get my acid reflux under control since my throat burns so often. Hopefully, I can set one up tomorrow. Not sure why my breathing has been so out of whack lately. I guess it could be a multitude of things-allergies, asthma, acid reflux, and possibly being out of shape. :/
P.S. I’m running a triathlon on the 27th! So hopefully I can breathe during the race.
25 July 2008
Food: Okay, today wasn’t so great. Mainly because I was tired and there wasn’t much to eat. I ate oatmeal, applejuice, and LOTS of banana bread… Oh well, I’ll do better tomorrow.
Exercise: 20 pushups (much better!) and 55 crunches (yay!)
Note: I rested my aching muscles today so I wouldn’t be so sore for my race on Sunday.
1 comment July 21, 2008
