How Far is the East from the West?

How often do we find ourselves fixating on our past sins?! I may even question… do we worship our sin? I find myself doing this FAR too often! I dwell on the sin. I let the sin define me. I find doing these things much easier than letting God define me, letting God forgive my sin and remove my transgressions as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103). God doesn’t want us to worship our sin! He desires for ALL of creation to worship and glorify Him (Psalm 148). Not only does He call on humans, but He calls on the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the animals among others to praise Him.

Furthermore, we are called to throw off everything that hinders us–including the sin that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Instead, let us fill ourselves with God; let us keep all these wrong things (sin included) from coming to our minds. Let God define us, let God fill us. Let us set our mind on things above (Colossians 3:2).

Molding Clay

Right now my heart feels like lumpy clay that seriously needs to be molded. Tossed. Turned. Warped. I need a change. I have fallen in love, yet I am still needing to mold that clay into a form fitting pitcher so I can provide water to the seed that has been planted in my life. I don’t want the roots to shrivel up and die.

I also don’t want to start growing without revealing all of myself either. I need to speak the truth. I can’t hide my faults anymore because let’s be honest, I’m not flawless. I don’t want the seed to start growing and all of a sudden some crabgrass appears. I want this seed to become a beautiful, happy flower. Not some sorrowful, common rose. I want it to be a pretty flower that is worth staring at, smelling, and yes, even talking to. It could be a violet pansy, a red poinsettia, a yellow daisy. As long as it’s happy.

Looks like I have some truth telling to do.

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54. Will you?

A Brick in the Road

My heart is deeply troubled. One of my guy friends that I message regularly on Facebook chat told me he was feeling horny and asked if I had a sex toy. I’m thinking I need to either de-friend him or avoid him. Luckily I told him not to violate Matthew 5:28, but I don’t think he understood that. He’s not exactly a church goer.

I’m sort of feeling like I need to hang around my gal friends from now on. I’m seriously tired of being around friends that really aren’t my friends. I’m tired of people trying to use me and treat me lower than a prostitute. At least prostitutes have some dignity. Men treat me like I have none.

I need to pray about this. I also need to discern God’s will for me. I know this is strange to say, but I have always wanted children. It’s a weird desire, I know. But at the same time, would an earthly marriage prevent me from having a closer relationship with God? Are all men like this? Sometimes I wonder.

Lord, I Lift My Brother to You

Are you there God? It’s me, Jessica. I have a formal request or should I say favor to ask. Please help my spiritual brother. I know he has been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately. Please comfort him and help him discern Your will for him.

I feel like I can’t stop thinking about him. Please help me to focus on You. Please help him focus on You. Because if You are not the key player in our lives, life simply isn’t worth living. We both need to bring You back into a clear focus. If we don’t, we will be headed for destruction, which is exactly what the enemy wants. Help us to push Satin away.

I love you more than anything, God. I praise You and I know that everything happens for a reason. Looking back on my life, I have realized that everything You brought me through was for a purpose: to bring me closer to You.

I pray that my brother is drawn closer to You. I ask that I will not drive him away from You because that is not what I want at all. I just want him to be really happy. I want him to be fully satisfied spiritually. If it takes him being away from me to do so, then that’s what it takes.

If he can no longer communicate with me, I will be understanding. Even though it hurts, I want him cross the finish line with You by his side. I just want to thank You for the time you let me spend with him because he has helped me in so many ways. He has truly has been a blessing. He helped me battle my sorrows when I needed it most. If only I could return the favor.

Mary, please pray for me to keep in touch with God. I know that praying has sometimes felt like work to me, but now I so badly need to talk to Him. My soul is in desperate need of prayer right now.

Lord Jesus, I love You. I praise You. You are number one in my life. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Ready to Sprint

Get ready. Because I’m ready to change my life around. I’m ready to not only talk about God, I want to start ACTING like God. I want to be like Him so badly, even though I have screwed up things in my life. I am going to do everything possible in my spiritual muscle to gain back strength. I need God so much now it’s not even funny.

Thank God for my accountability partner, David. He couldn’t be more of a help to me this morning. While I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about my bad situation, he listened to me and reminded me that he would be praying for me. He told me to pull up my spiritual and Biblical muscle while I spend some serious alone time to think, meditate, and pray to God.

I’m not sure how I’m going to start this sprint with God, but I need to start now. I need to leap in and trust Him. I need to stop doubting God.

After all, He has created me. Doesn’t he deserve a little more than what I’m giving Him? He expects more from me. I expect more from me. Everyone should also expect more from me.

I’m ready.

Breaking Away

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a specific biblical issue that has been pulling at my heart strings. The issue is about women in leadership and what womens’ roles are in the church. Frankly, if I was the creator of Christianity, I would allow women to be preachers. But I didn’t create Christianity (thankfully). God did. So I am going to be objective and search for truth.

For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have been thinking (for a long time) about becoming a chaplain. If I become a military chaplain, I would have to be ordained. Though if I became a chaplain at a hospital, that would not require ordination. In studying this issue on women in the church, I know it’s going to be hard to be objective. It’s going to be hard not to listen to the people who encourage me to become a military chaplain or say that since it is the only ministry position in the military, it is therefore okay to be a female chaplain in the military. Instead of listening to all the views of humans, I am going to seek God’s view, because that  is the only perspective that truly matters.

So get ready for some truth seeking posts in the next couple of months!

Unique, Creative Individual

Spent time with God tonight. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely, so I prayed about it. God comforted me and let me know that my loneliness is not from being alone; it is from my anxiety and stress. He told me to stop trying to follow everyone else’s plan and to follow His plan, as he made me a unique, creative individual. Though, I have a hard time believing that I should follow His plan. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and follow someone else’s plan. Guess I better start listening to God more.

Ash Wednesday

Here’s my formula for Lent: – + + = x

Confusing, eh? Well it basically means subtraction plus addition equals multiplication. Usually I just take away something for lent, but I decided to add something as well this year. Thus, I think subtracting something habitual in my life and adding something good in my life will have an exponential effect.

So here’s the plan: I am giving up eating after 9 PM for lent (subtraction). I am also going to spend time in the Bible and prayer each night (addition). I will keep you posted on how this spiritual discipline goes.

How ’bout you? What are you doing for Lent? Any tips on how to devote more time to God?

Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica