Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica

Spiritual Leadership and Dating

It is now day 18, just 22 days left of my fast (from sweets and communicating to a boy in my life). Right now, I feel stuck in between what could have been and what should have been. But I’ve also realized that I have not been “living” my life ever since I met him. He was not a Christian and I was trying to follow his way of life.

I found this post, and it really helped me understand how I related to him.

Messy Relationships: Searching for Hope

I have been feeling very weak today about my forty-day fast. Sometimes I think, why am I not allowing myself to eat sweets or talk with a certain boy in my life?

I’ve been struggling over whether or not I should be with Jack. I decided I needed forty-days to clear my mind, and then, I could make a decision.

Only, I keep asking myself questions. What if I would be really happy with him someday? What if he changed? What if we could make it work? I know these questions seem illogical, but I still keep hoping.

But maybe I need to put my hopes to death. I can’t hope my way into a happy relationship; if he doesn’t try, then I get stuck in a mother-son relationship, rather then a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I feel like I’m taken for granted. He does not respect my values, morals, faith, decisions, and thoughts. I don’t feel secure in his love for me.

But being the people-pleaser/caregiver I am, I let him take me for granted, and I compromised myself in the process-one thing I REFUSE to do anymore. So I’m clearing my confused mind to think about God’s plan for a change.

Sleep Log

Week 1 (August 3-9):

Sunday: 0200-1100… yikes!

I had a bad day and lost sleep over a messy relationship.

Monday: 0100-0815

I was so tired, that I could not wake up to my alarm.

Tuesday: 1230-0800

Ditto… I’m going to bed earlier, but I still feel like I need more sleep. Plus, I need to get up *earlier*. Any tips on how to fall asleep earlier?

Wednesday: 0030-0640… I was so tired in the morning, I had to take a nap before lunch. Though, I wasn’t so tired the rest of the day. Maybe I need to limit my computer time? I am on my computer all day. Such a time-waster. Tomorrow is another day.

Thursday: 0040-0630… I felt so horrible, that went I got home from work, I slept for 2 hours. Why can’t I go to sleep at a descent time? Yesterday, I was so stressed out. Not only about all the events going on in my life, but about a relationship I am in.

I feel so stressed out because it doesn’t seem like he wants the relationship to work, and I also feel like I would have to change him if it ever would. Any thoughts? Am I wasting my time or is this just a learning experience? It used to be a learning experience for me, but now I don’t learn anything new. 

Sometimes I wonder, does God even want me to be in this relationship? I feel like the relationship has absolutely no commitment. I feel insecure because he still loves the person he used to be with. I feel like I have to reach for affection. It makes me feel scarred to death. I am so worried about making mistakes, as both my parents have been divorced and remarried. 

I’m not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if you do, please pray for me. For my soul, my health, my faith, and most of all, my wisdom. It seems so complicated for me to pray about it because I’m too afraid of what God will say. If I hear something I don’t want to hear, I’m not sure if it is coming from God, myself, or the enemy. 

I am currently reading, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer, and I have realized that my mind is at WAR. How can I make it stop? Why can’t I just end this relationship that is causing me so much pain? I feel jealous, lost, confused, depressed, alone, hopeless, doubtful, manipulated, vulnerable-to the point of changing the person I am. I know that I can’t do this anymore. Is he the problem? Am I the problem? Or was this just not in God’s plan? Am I being impatient for the one God has chosen for me? Will I still love God if He doesn’t give me a man to marry? My answer is yes. Thanks be to Jesus for loving me so much. He died for me and if He saw me in this situation, He wouldn’t exactly be throwing a pity party. Maybe I need to view my life from God’s perspective. What would He think about it?

Friday: 0445-0630… Not so good. I think naps are my problem. I actually just took a 3 hour nap from an incredibly exhausting day. I NEED to go to bed by 2300 tonight (if not earlier), as I have drill at 0600 in the morning. I should get in the mindset to always go to bed at least before midnight. Otherwise, I’m super miserable every day. I need to pray about my sleep. I can’t seem to get a handle of this on my own.

Saturday: 0440-0530. I was so tired today, that I fell asleep after work for 4 hours… yikes! To change this cycle, I’m going to bed BEFORE midnight tonight.