How Far is the East from the West?

How often do we find ourselves fixating on our past sins?! I may even question… do we worship our sin? I find myself doing this FAR too often! I dwell on the sin. I let the sin define me. I find doing these things much easier than letting God define me, letting God forgive my sin and remove my transgressions as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103). God doesn’t want us to worship our sin! He desires for ALL of creation to worship and glorify Him (Psalm 148). Not only does He call on humans, but He calls on the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the animals among others to praise Him.

Furthermore, we are called to throw off everything that hinders us–including the sin that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Instead, let us fill ourselves with God; let us keep all these wrong things (sin included) from coming to our minds. Let God define us, let God fill us. Let us set our mind on things above (Colossians 3:2).

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54. Will you?

Breaking Away

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a specific biblical issue that has been pulling at my heart strings. The issue is about women in leadership and what womens’ roles are in the church. Frankly, if I was the creator of Christianity, I would allow women to be preachers. But I didn’t create Christianity (thankfully). God did. So I am going to be objective and search for truth.

For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have been thinking (for a long time) about becoming a chaplain. If I become a military chaplain, I would have to be ordained. Though if I became a chaplain at a hospital, that would not require ordination. In studying this issue on women in the church, I know it’s going to be hard to be objective. It’s going to be hard not to listen to the people who encourage me to become a military chaplain or say that since it is the only ministry position in the military, it is therefore okay to be a female chaplain in the military. Instead of listening to all the views of humans, I am going to seek God’s view, because that  is the only perspective that truly matters.

So get ready for some truth seeking posts in the next couple of months!

Ash Wednesday

Here’s my formula for Lent: – + + = x

Confusing, eh? Well it basically means subtraction plus addition equals multiplication. Usually I just take away something for lent, but I decided to add something as well this year. Thus, I think subtracting something habitual in my life and adding something good in my life will have an exponential effect.

So here’s the plan: I am giving up eating after 9 PM for lent (subtraction). I am also going to spend time in the Bible and prayer each night (addition). I will keep you posted on how this spiritual discipline goes.

How ’bout you? What are you doing for Lent? Any tips on how to devote more time to God?

Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica

Waiting for a New Year

Hi again. Just checking back, mainly because there is something I really need to share.

I have been writing in this blog  for most of this year, and I feel like I keep writing (and thinking) about *that* person. The person I wanted to change so that he could be with me. Then I realized that I can’t change him. I can only change myself, and that is exactly what I need to do. I have developed mild depression, high anxiety, and chronic headaches this year, so I’m trying to get better.

Lord, I don’t want to have migraines anymore. I am in so much pain. I know that I haven’t been going to You about my pain. I just ignored it ’cause I thought I’d be fine without Your help. But that is so untrue. I need You so much Lord. Please heal my headaches and my heart.

I want to thank You so much for my dear friend, Sarah. She helped me remember that You are always with me, no matter what. Even if I’m not the perfect student, friend, or daughter. Bless Sarah’s grandma and her family. Thank You for having her in my life.

I also want to thank You for second chances. Regardless of where I am, I still have a New Year ahead of me. For now, my New Years resolutions are to (1) Pray to You for wisdom (James 1:5) in regards to what resolutions, if any, You would have me make; (2) Pray for wisdom as to how to fulfill the goals You give me; (3) Rely on Your strength to help me; (4) Encourage my accountability partner; (5) Don’t become discouraged with occasional failures; instead allow them to motivate me further; (6) Don’t become proud or vain, but give You the glory. Psalm 37:5-6, “Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”

Thank You Lord for the upcoming new year, and for the second chances 2009 will bring.

Holy Club

The members of John Wesley’s Holy Club asked themselves these questions each day in their private devotions:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

4. Can I be trusted?

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

17. How do I spend my spare time?

18. Am I proud?

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

22. Is Christ real to me?

God Will Heal A Broken Heart

Matthew 5:4 – Happy are those who mourn, God will comfort them.

 HOW TO EXPERIENCE GOD’S COMFORT

1. Realize that God is with Me

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

 Things I Need to Remember

God is aware.

“You (God) keep close watch on everywhere I go.” Job 13:27

 God cares.

“The Lord is good. He protects those who trust Him in times of trouble.” Nahum 1:7

 God wants to help us.

“Whenever we are in need, we should go bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with kindness, and we will find help.” Hebrews 4:16

 2. Release the Hurt How?

I must stop focusing on what’s lost and start focusing on what’s left.

“Forget what happened in the past, and do not dwell on events from long ago.” God says, “I am going to do something new.” Isaiah 43:18

“Don’t take revenge, dear friends. Instead, let God’s anger take care of it.” Romans 12:19

“But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand.” Psalm 10:14

 3. Rely on God’s Resources

God’s Alternatives to the Quick Fix

God’s Word (Reading the Bible)

“I am completely discouraged…revive me by your Word.” “Your Word has been my comfort.” Psalm 119:25,52

God’s People (Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ)

“Our God is a God of comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble so that we can comfort others when they have trouble. We comfort them with the same comfort that God gives us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

God’s Spirit

“I pray that God who gives hope, will bless you with happiness and peace because of your faith, and may the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope.” Romans 15:13

This certainly is not an exhaustive list of verses to help you or someone you know heal a broken heart. But it is a start. My prayer today is that those of you who have broken hearts will try this list. The healing process begins when you begin.

Confessional #1

Confession is not something I’m particularly good at, but I know that I have been secluding God in certain areas of my life. So, here goes:

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. We decided to eat super at the Union together, and I wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but I did it anyway. I thought, “Well, things are fine now. We can just be friends.” I was WRONG. As I made the decision to meet him, something deep down knew that I was too vulnerable, too weak, and ready to believe the lies.

I was in pain. Rocks chiseled my skull as if it were a stone. I wanted so badly to fix things, to make “us” okay. We were talking at dinner and it sounded like everything was going alright, though he walked me home and started criticizing my faith again. He said things like, why do you believe the Bible is true when there are so many contradictory statements in it? Why can’t you just trust in God, why do you have to believe some crazy story about another human being God? Do you think that Jews are going to hell? What happened to people before Christianity became a religion? I answered to him that Jesus was the reason to have faith in God; and that before Christ, people believed there would be a Messiah. I kept trying to help him, but he had such a hard time with that. The pain went on.

I had such a hard time with this relationship. When I was with him, I was serving him more than God, but the Bible says, “You must give yourselves fully to the LORD and serve only Him” (1 Samuel 7:3). As I was reading 1 Samuel, I wondered, will I still love Christ if He never gives me a man to marry? My answer is yes. I have all I need in Jesus. The people He blesses me with are gifts. I don’t deserve any of them. I hope to remember this important thought everyday. Thank you Lord for loving me so much, even when I am feeling alone.

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54; will you?