Smell the Beautiful Roses

I suppose (in Minnesotan) that I should talk about what has been going on in my life. My spiritual brother and I have decided to start a courting relationship, also known as “dating with a purpose.” I like this concept! Yet, I am freaked out and happy and excited and scared and my mind is racing with thoughts. What should I do differently? How can I show him that I care about him? Basically, how do I not screw it up?

I am not necessarily afraid of messing up the core of the relationship, but I am afraid that we are taking it too far too soon. I don’t want this new level of love to change our already well-developed friendship. If that happens, I’m afraid it will die out soon. David, if you are reading this, please know that I love you and care about you so much. I want you to know that. I want you to be ridiculously happy. We need to stop putting so much focus on the relationship that we lose focus on God, our lives, and ultimately, the friendship we have grown this year.

That said, I hope that we can continue being what we have become. I am sincerely excited about this next step we are taking because truthfully, I have wanted to do this but was too afraid to say it or I was very certain that you didn’t want to. My goal is to not focus solely on the relationship aspect, as that can make us become overly obsessed with it. I KNOW this can become a horrible obstacle in a relationship. You are my best friend, my spiritual brother, my courter. You are a gift from God. Please let everything happen naturally, don’t rush anything, don’t change the wonderful person you are, stay sane, and as my grandma always said, “Take time to smell the roses.”

Autumn Hiking

My friend and I decided to do some autumn hiking… before the snow returns! We walked by the Red River and took pictures along the way, hence this awesome slideshow. Enjoy.

 

Somewhere in the Middle

Last Thursday, I got a call from him. As I listened on the phone, he sounded sad, worried, but most of all, lonely. He ran to the library to see me. I felt so vulnerable, so lost, so confused. I miss him. I still love him.

He was not only my best friend, but the person I shared my life with. I wanted to believe that we could get back together even though I’m not ready for this. When I was with him, I felt like I had to step out of my “comfort zone,” as if I had to change myself in order to make him happy. I know I can’t do this to myself anymore. At the same time, I still want to see him, to be with him, and to know what’s going on in his life.

I feel guilty for having mixed emotions. I don’t want him to be with me because I am so unsure about it. My gut tells me that coming back to him doesn’t feel right, and yet sometimes I question that feeling—making me feel “trapped” in the middle. Part of my heart wants to be with him but my other half says, “We were not meant to be.”