Heart and Mind

I don’t know how I feel.

I mean I do,

I just don’t know what.

Why is love so confusing?

I wish life was simple again,

Remembering the good old days

When all I would have to worry about

Was a simple hello or a friendly goodbye.

Can’t I have love without pain?

I understand how I feel;

It’s just a stubborn emotion.

Confessional #1

Confession is not something I’m particularly good at, but I know that I have been secluding God in certain areas of my life. So, here goes:

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. We decided to eat super at the Union together, and I wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but I did it anyway. I thought, “Well, things are fine now. We can just be friends.” I was WRONG. As I made the decision to meet him, something deep down knew that I was too vulnerable, too weak, and ready to believe the lies.

I was in pain. Rocks chiseled my skull as if it were a stone. I wanted so badly to fix things, to make “us” okay. We were talking at dinner and it sounded like everything was going alright, though he walked me home and started criticizing my faith again. He said things like, why do you believe the Bible is true when there are so many contradictory statements in it? Why can’t you just trust in God, why do you have to believe some crazy story about another human being God? Do you think that Jews are going to hell? What happened to people before Christianity became a religion? I answered to him that Jesus was the reason to have faith in God; and that before Christ, people believed there would be a Messiah. I kept trying to help him, but he had such a hard time with that. The pain went on.

I had such a hard time with this relationship. When I was with him, I was serving him more than God, but the Bible says, “You must give yourselves fully to the LORD and serve only Him” (1 Samuel 7:3). As I was reading 1 Samuel, I wondered, will I still love Christ if He never gives me a man to marry? My answer is yes. I have all I need in Jesus. The people He blesses me with are gifts. I don’t deserve any of them. I hope to remember this important thought everyday. Thank you Lord for loving me so much, even when I am feeling alone.

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54; will you?

5 Things I Want, 5 Things I Need

I Want:

1) To curl up on a couch and read a book with a boy (the right one )

2) To read/study more than I normally do

3) More acceptance from teachers, family, and friends

4) A better sleep schedule (now that I’m going to bed past midnight, sigh*)

5) To be more relaxed

I Need:

1) Time alone with God

2) To not put myself down about not reading/studying a lot and just do the best I can

3) Learn to accept myself, regardless of what others may think of me

4) To pray about my sleep

5) To realize that God will help me get through the grieving process of my broken relationship

Spiritual Leadership and Dating

It is now day 18, just 22 days left of my fast (from sweets and communicating to a boy in my life). Right now, I feel stuck in between what could have been and what should have been. But I’ve also realized that I have not been “living” my life ever since I met him. He was not a Christian and I was trying to follow his way of life.

I found this post, and it really helped me understand how I related to him.

Messy Relationships: Searching for Hope

I have been feeling very weak today about my forty-day fast. Sometimes I think, why am I not allowing myself to eat sweets or talk with a certain boy in my life?

I’ve been struggling over whether or not I should be with Jack. I decided I needed forty-days to clear my mind, and then, I could make a decision.

Only, I keep asking myself questions. What if I would be really happy with him someday? What if he changed? What if we could make it work? I know these questions seem illogical, but I still keep hoping.

But maybe I need to put my hopes to death. I can’t hope my way into a happy relationship; if he doesn’t try, then I get stuck in a mother-son relationship, rather then a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I feel like I’m taken for granted. He does not respect my values, morals, faith, decisions, and thoughts. I don’t feel secure in his love for me.

But being the people-pleaser/caregiver I am, I let him take me for granted, and I compromised myself in the process-one thing I REFUSE to do anymore. So I’m clearing my confused mind to think about God’s plan for a change.

Third Day

I’m on day three. Yep, day three of not eating sweets and not being with a certain boy in my life. Only, I have thirty-seven days left.

I’m fasting for forty days because I need time to think. I am trying to tell myself that I can live without him. I was happy before I met him, so why can’t I move on and be happy now? I know it takes time, but I feel impatient. I’m afraid my love for him will never end.

  The only words I think

I’ve been trying to speak

Wondering how to live

I will forgive

The only words I can say

Will never stray away

 

‘Cause I wish you well…

I wish you well…

  

A Hug from God

Hi there, it’s me. My day did not go as planned today, but I am now seeking truth in myself.

I ended a relationship with a boy that has been going on for two years. I’m not sure if we will ever get back together, but I really don’t think he wants to be with me, which is why I ended it. I love him but I feel like he is just using me. I want to get better at communicating to him, but he has not tried. I want to marry him someday, but I don’t think he feels the same way. For me, a relationship needs to have a good legacy; and if there is none, then why bother?

I’m trying to find myself. Where do I want to be? Where does the world want me to be? Or better yet, where does God want me to be? I need to pray for wisdom, strength, and love. I also need to pray for healing. And I will remember that I’m going to be okay because I am in God’s hands.

Who are we really following?

At the NDANG chaplain worship service, one of the chaplain assistant’s served his last day. He graduated from North Central University to be a youth pastor in Wilmar, MN. We will miss him, as he used his musical talent to worship God and told so many amazing stories.

 Today, he shared a baseball story, where he comes up to the bat and lets out a swing. Strike one! He starts feeling nervous. So, he makes a couple practice swings for the second pitch. Strike two! Now he plans on bunting the final strike, making it easy to sprint to first base. However, he decides to swing it at the last second, and CRACK–he hits the ball and runs like the wind to first base. Pausing on first, he looks up to see his coach saying, “HOMERUN!” As he slides back to home, the crowd rises and applauds.

 On this day, his girlfriend said, “If he hit’s a homerun today, I know I’m supposed to marry him.” When they got engaged, she told him about the baseball story and feeling like he was “the one” for her. When he asked her to marry him, he also asked her to “follow” him. This made sense. When we marry someone, we also agree to follow them. The same applies if we give our hearts to Jesus–we agree to follow Him. It is important to marry in Christ, something I have been thinking a lot about lately. When people enter a good marriage, they just seem to “know” they are the one.

 This relates to my previous relationship and “knowing” whether he was the one. The person I was with was unsure about his faith. I did not know what to do and I kept blaming myself. But then I realized that this is up to God and that I cannot take His place. God’s plan seemed to be different from my own. I shouldn’t be in a relationship just because I feel loved. I need someone who follows Christ and loves me as Christ does. My plan would be to stay with him, but I felt God tugging me away from that plan.

 Our plan to “bunt” everything thrown at us and taking the easy way out is not God’s plan. He wants us to feel confident, without turning back. No matter how much I try to plan, I just need to give my life to God. He wants to play a part in every decision we make. This includes all decisions–relationships, jobs, everyday choices, and so on. If we don’t allow Him to play this role, who are we really following? Ourselves? Our girlfriend/boyfriend? Other idols? God wants us to chose Him to defeat the idols that are continually thrown at us.

Somewhere in the Middle

Last Thursday, I got a call from him. As I listened on the phone, he sounded sad, worried, but most of all, lonely. He ran to the library to see me. I felt so vulnerable, so lost, so confused. I miss him. I still love him.

He was not only my best friend, but the person I shared my life with. I wanted to believe that we could get back together even though I’m not ready for this. When I was with him, I felt like I had to step out of my “comfort zone,” as if I had to change myself in order to make him happy. I know I can’t do this to myself anymore. At the same time, I still want to see him, to be with him, and to know what’s going on in his life.

I feel guilty for having mixed emotions. I don’t want him to be with me because I am so unsure about it. My gut tells me that coming back to him doesn’t feel right, and yet sometimes I question that feeling—making me feel “trapped” in the middle. Part of my heart wants to be with him but my other half says, “We were not meant to be.”