Smell the Beautiful Roses

I suppose (in Minnesotan) that I should talk about what has been going on in my life. My spiritual brother and I have decided to start a courting relationship, also known as “dating with a purpose.” I like this concept! Yet, I am freaked out and happy and excited and scared and my mind is racing with thoughts. What should I do differently? How can I show him that I care about him? Basically, how do I not screw it up?

I am not necessarily afraid of messing up the core of the relationship, but I am afraid that we are taking it too far too soon. I don’t want this new level of love to change our already well-developed friendship. If that happens, I’m afraid it will die out soon. David, if you are reading this, please know that I love you and care about you so much. I want you to know that. I want you to be ridiculously happy. We need to stop putting so much focus on the relationship that we lose focus on God, our lives, and ultimately, the friendship we have grown this year.

That said, I hope that we can continue being what we have become. I am sincerely excited about this next step we are taking because truthfully, I have wanted to do this but was too afraid to say it or I was very certain that you didn’t want to. My goal is to not focus solely on the relationship aspect, as that can make us become overly obsessed with it. I KNOW this can become a horrible obstacle in a relationship. You are my best friend, my spiritual brother, my courter. You are a gift from God. Please let everything happen naturally, don’t rush anything, don’t change the wonderful person you are, stay sane, and as my grandma always said, “Take time to smell the roses.”

Heart and Mind

I don’t know how I feel.

I mean I do,

I just don’t know what.

Why is love so confusing?

I wish life was simple again,

Remembering the good old days

When all I would have to worry about

Was a simple hello or a friendly goodbye.

Can’t I have love without pain?

I understand how I feel;

It’s just a stubborn emotion.

Molding Clay

Right now my heart feels like lumpy clay that seriously needs to be molded. Tossed. Turned. Warped. I need a change. I have fallen in love, yet I am still needing to mold that clay into a form fitting pitcher so I can provide water to the seed that has been planted in my life. I don’t want the roots to shrivel up and die.

I also don’t want to start growing without revealing all of myself either. I need to speak the truth. I can’t hide my faults anymore because let’s be honest, I’m not flawless. I don’t want the seed to start growing and all of a sudden some crabgrass appears. I want this seed to become a beautiful, happy flower. Not some sorrowful, common rose. I want it to be a pretty flower that is worth staring at, smelling, and yes, even talking to. It could be a violet pansy, a red poinsettia, a yellow daisy. As long as it’s happy.

Looks like I have some truth telling to do.

Lord, I Lift My Brother to You

Are you there God? It’s me, Jessica. I have a formal request or should I say favor to ask. Please help my spiritual brother. I know he has been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately. Please comfort him and help him discern Your will for him.

I feel like I can’t stop thinking about him. Please help me to focus on You. Please help him focus on You. Because if You are not the key player in our lives, life simply isn’t worth living. We both need to bring You back into a clear focus. If we don’t, we will be headed for destruction, which is exactly what the enemy wants. Help us to push Satin away.

I love you more than anything, God. I praise You and I know that everything happens for a reason. Looking back on my life, I have realized that everything You brought me through was for a purpose: to bring me closer to You.

I pray that my brother is drawn closer to You. I ask that I will not drive him away from You because that is not what I want at all. I just want him to be really happy. I want him to be fully satisfied spiritually. If it takes him being away from me to do so, then that’s what it takes.

If he can no longer communicate with me, I will be understanding. Even though it hurts, I want him cross the finish line with You by his side. I just want to thank You for the time you let me spend with him because he has helped me in so many ways. He has truly has been a blessing. He helped me battle my sorrows when I needed it most. If only I could return the favor.

Mary, please pray for me to keep in touch with God. I know that praying has sometimes felt like work to me, but now I so badly need to talk to Him. My soul is in desperate need of prayer right now.

Lord Jesus, I love You. I praise You. You are number one in my life. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Confessional #1

Confession is not something I’m particularly good at, but I know that I have been secluding God in certain areas of my life. So, here goes:

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday. We decided to eat super at the Union together, and I wasn’t sure if this was a great idea, but I did it anyway. I thought, “Well, things are fine now. We can just be friends.” I was WRONG. As I made the decision to meet him, something deep down knew that I was too vulnerable, too weak, and ready to believe the lies.

I was in pain. Rocks chiseled my skull as if it were a stone. I wanted so badly to fix things, to make “us” okay. We were talking at dinner and it sounded like everything was going alright, though he walked me home and started criticizing my faith again. He said things like, why do you believe the Bible is true when there are so many contradictory statements in it? Why can’t you just trust in God, why do you have to believe some crazy story about another human being God? Do you think that Jews are going to hell? What happened to people before Christianity became a religion? I answered to him that Jesus was the reason to have faith in God; and that before Christ, people believed there would be a Messiah. I kept trying to help him, but he had such a hard time with that. The pain went on.

I had such a hard time with this relationship. When I was with him, I was serving him more than God, but the Bible says, “You must give yourselves fully to the LORD and serve only Him” (1 Samuel 7:3). As I was reading 1 Samuel, I wondered, will I still love Christ if He never gives me a man to marry? My answer is yes. I have all I need in Jesus. The people He blesses me with are gifts. I don’t deserve any of them. I hope to remember this important thought everyday. Thank you Lord for loving me so much, even when I am feeling alone.

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54; will you?

Spiritual Leadership and Dating

It is now day 18, just 22 days left of my fast (from sweets and communicating to a boy in my life). Right now, I feel stuck in between what could have been and what should have been. But I’ve also realized that I have not been “living” my life ever since I met him. He was not a Christian and I was trying to follow his way of life.

I found this post, and it really helped me understand how I related to him.

Messy Relationships: Searching for Hope

I have been feeling very weak today about my forty-day fast. Sometimes I think, why am I not allowing myself to eat sweets or talk with a certain boy in my life?

I’ve been struggling over whether or not I should be with Jack. I decided I needed forty-days to clear my mind, and then, I could make a decision.

Only, I keep asking myself questions. What if I would be really happy with him someday? What if he changed? What if we could make it work? I know these questions seem illogical, but I still keep hoping.

But maybe I need to put my hopes to death. I can’t hope my way into a happy relationship; if he doesn’t try, then I get stuck in a mother-son relationship, rather then a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I feel like I’m taken for granted. He does not respect my values, morals, faith, decisions, and thoughts. I don’t feel secure in his love for me.

But being the people-pleaser/caregiver I am, I let him take me for granted, and I compromised myself in the process-one thing I REFUSE to do anymore. So I’m clearing my confused mind to think about God’s plan for a change.

Third Day

I’m on day three. Yep, day three of not eating sweets and not being with a certain boy in my life. Only, I have thirty-seven days left.

I’m fasting for forty days because I need time to think. I am trying to tell myself that I can live without him. I was happy before I met him, so why can’t I move on and be happy now? I know it takes time, but I feel impatient. I’m afraid my love for him will never end.

  The only words I think

I’ve been trying to speak

Wondering how to live

I will forgive

The only words I can say

Will never stray away

 

‘Cause I wish you well…

I wish you well…

  

A Hug from God

Hi there, it’s me. My day did not go as planned today, but I am now seeking truth in myself.

I ended a relationship with a boy that has been going on for two years. I’m not sure if we will ever get back together, but I really don’t think he wants to be with me, which is why I ended it. I love him but I feel like he is just using me. I want to get better at communicating to him, but he has not tried. I want to marry him someday, but I don’t think he feels the same way. For me, a relationship needs to have a good legacy; and if there is none, then why bother?

I’m trying to find myself. Where do I want to be? Where does the world want me to be? Or better yet, where does God want me to be? I need to pray for wisdom, strength, and love. I also need to pray for healing. And I will remember that I’m going to be okay because I am in God’s hands.