Mother Nature Verses Human Nature

I remember coming to work early on a cold December morning, and one of my co-workers started talking about life and ethics. This was of no surprise to me, as he was a theology student at the University of Mary in Bismarck, ND. I knew there was a lot of work to be done that day, but the green glow in his eyes told me that he wanted me to argue with him. So I did.

He eagerly asked, “What do you think the difference is between humans and animals?”

Nothing could have puzzled me more, but I told him that I thought animals were more intelligent than humans. He said that he actually felt that humans were more intelligent because we can do things like construct buildings, design laptop computers, and fly airplanes, but I responded, “Well, I think animals are gifted in other skills. We can construct a building, but I don’t think any of us humans are skilled enough to create a web like a spider or use our bodies to get energy from the sun as plants go through photosynthesis. Maybe plants are smarter than us, because it seems like humans destruct the environment while plants and animals seem to do a better job at creating the environment.”

After I started reading different books about the environment in Dr. Helstern’s class, I realized that the conclusion I made that December was probably very true. On the very first day of class, we began reading Aldo Leopold’s essay, Thinking Like a Mountain. Leopold mentioned that “wildness is the salvation of the world” that has been long known by the mountains and that the safety humans strive for may produce danger over time (Leopold, 141). This really got me to thinking. What if wild animals are smarter than humans who try to be safe? Maybe being “wild” is more safe than actually trying to be safe. Leopold talks about the geese who survive through all the shooting in the winter (Leopold, 22). Even while there is shooting, the geese are still tough to be out in the wild. They don’t build little houses so they can be protected from all those shootings. If they did isolate themselves from the natural world as humans did, they wouldn’t be able to sore way up to the sky. In other words, they would not be able to be a goose, which is the greatest risk of all, and many humans unconsciously take that risk every day.

In order to prevent taking that risk, humans should follow the example Sylvia, a young girl in Sarah Orne Jewett’s story, “The White Heron.” Sylvia treated a cow as her playmate and spent time in the natural world as if it was her home (Jewett, 14). She even becomes friends with the white heron. However, a stranger comes to her house and tells her that he is hunting for white herons and wants to know if she has seen one (Jewett, 15). While Sylvia liked the stranger, she decided to keep the location of the white heron a secret. She couldn’t understand why some who was so fascinated with this bird would actually go out and shoot them (Jewett, 18). The animals were friendly to her, so it didn’t make sense to be unfriendly to them. This girl seems to be very wise, but somehow, many people have disregarded her kind of logic.

As in Gary Synder’s poem, “Night Song of the Los Angeles Basin,” people only seem to be concerned about themselves, judging by the way they live in the city. People are driving cars, using artificial lights, and building entire cities that ultimately destroy the natural world, that ultimately try to defeat mother nature. This poem says that there is a “slash of calligraphy of freeway cars.” I interpret this as meaning that all the lights and noise that humans make is interfering with the owl call, the beauty of the rising moon, and whatever else that goes on in the natural world. I think it goes without saying that we can all learn a lesson from this story, along with other stories about the environment. Then, maybe we can listen to mother nature and remember what we are losing if we decide to chop a tree down or kill a bird; or maybe we could even be a friend to the animals and the rest of the world.

Works Cited

Leopold, Aldo. “Thinking Like a Mountain.” A Sand County Almanac. Ballantine Books: 1970, 262.

Jewett, Sarah O. The White Heron. Jaffrey, New Hamshire: David R. Godline, 2004.

Synder, Gary. “Night Song of the Los Angeles Basin.” Mountains and Rivers Without End . Publishers Group West: Washington D.C., 1996.

Smell the Beautiful Roses

I suppose (in Minnesotan) that I should talk about what has been going on in my life. My spiritual brother and I have decided to start a courting relationship, also known as “dating with a purpose.” I like this concept! Yet, I am freaked out and happy and excited and scared and my mind is racing with thoughts. What should I do differently? How can I show him that I care about him? Basically, how do I not screw it up?

I am not necessarily afraid of messing up the core of the relationship, but I am afraid that we are taking it too far too soon. I don’t want this new level of love to change our already well-developed friendship. If that happens, I’m afraid it will die out soon. David, if you are reading this, please know that I love you and care about you so much. I want you to know that. I want you to be ridiculously happy. We need to stop putting so much focus on the relationship that we lose focus on God, our lives, and ultimately, the friendship we have grown this year.

That said, I hope that we can continue being what we have become. I am sincerely excited about this next step we are taking because truthfully, I have wanted to do this but was too afraid to say it or I was very certain that you didn’t want to. My goal is to not focus solely on the relationship aspect, as that can make us become overly obsessed with it. I KNOW this can become a horrible obstacle in a relationship. You are my best friend, my spiritual brother, my courter. You are a gift from God. Please let everything happen naturally, don’t rush anything, don’t change the wonderful person you are, stay sane, and as my grandma always said, “Take time to smell the roses.”

Won’t Back Down

Well I wont back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

- I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54. Will you?

Life

I am blogging tonight because I need to vent. I am tired of life right now. I hate living on this earth being an unwanted piece of trash. Why do people hate me? Why does God hate me? Why can’t I be a different person? Why does life have to be so complicated? Simply put: why am I a screw up?

You’d think I would be able to get by in life, pretending people can deal with me, pretending God is okay me, pretending I’m something I’m not.

You’re probably wondering what is twisting my heart to shreds right now. I feel like people hate me, yet can’t admit it to me. No. People are too damn nice for that.

I’m struggling. I’m searching. I’m reaching out to that last straw in my life, but I can’t find it. What the hell is wrong with me?

I want to be alone right now. I want to curl up into a big old dumpster where I belong. People need to lock up people like me.

I wish I could change my world this minute, but it doesn’t work that way.

It just is.

Unique, Creative Individual

Spent time with God tonight. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely, so I prayed about it. God comforted me and let me know that my loneliness is not from being alone; it is from my anxiety and stress. He told me to stop trying to follow everyone else’s plan and to follow His plan, as he made me a unique, creative individual. Though, I have a hard time believing that I should follow His plan. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and follow someone else’s plan. Guess I better start listening to God more.

Ash Wednesday

Here’s my formula for Lent: – + + = x

Confusing, eh? Well it basically means subtraction plus addition equals multiplication. Usually I just take away something for lent, but I decided to add something as well this year. Thus, I think subtracting something habitual in my life and adding something good in my life will have an exponential effect.

So here’s the plan: I am giving up eating after 9 PM for lent (subtraction). I am also going to spend time in the Bible and prayer each night (addition). I will keep you posted on how this spiritual discipline goes.

How ’bout you? What are you doing for Lent? Any tips on how to devote more time to God?

Won’t Back Down

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.

Well I know whats right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica

Hello 2009

I just got done packing my boxes to bring back to North Dakota. I can’t believe 2009 is here! I have a few new years posts, but for now I’m going to unplug from my world of technology and enjoy being with my family. I hope you all had a happy new years!