My Heart is Breaking

Ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Ever felt like people hated you so much that they didn’t want you to exist anymore?

That’s how I feel.

I had a dream last night that made my veins shiver. I was walking on the shore of a misty ocean and came to sit down on grey, rugged rocks next to my really awesome guy friend. Words couldn’t even come out of my mouth. Something had muted my soul.

All he said in my dream was, “I don’t want to hang around you anymore.”

My heart stung. Mostly because I knew I deserved that answer. I knew of my stupidity and how I have treated him. I just want a time machine that will go back in time. I want to fix things so he doesn’t have to see the awful person I have become.

I don’t want to be this way anymore. I also wish that he saw me differently. I wanted him to like me as well.

I failed him. I failed myself. I failed God.

But I can’t stop living. I need to put my hopes of being with him to death. I need to pray and discern God’s will for me because I have been given a serious wake up call.

If only I could fix my broken heart.

Ready to Sprint

Get ready. Because I’m ready to change my life around. I’m ready to not only talk about God, I want to start ACTING like God. I want to be like Him so badly, even though I have screwed up things in my life. I am going to do everything possible in my spiritual muscle to gain back strength. I need God so much now it’s not even funny.

Thank God for my accountability partner, David. He couldn’t be more of a help to me this morning. While I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about my bad situation, he listened to me and reminded me that he would be praying for me. He told me to pull up my spiritual and Biblical muscle while I spend some serious alone time to think, meditate, and pray to God.

I’m not sure how I’m going to start this sprint with God, but I need to start now. I need to leap in and trust Him. I need to stop doubting God.

After all, He has created me. Doesn’t he deserve a little more than what I’m giving Him? He expects more from me. I expect more from me. Everyone should also expect more from me.

I’m ready.

Autumn Hiking

My friend and I decided to do some autumn hiking… before the snow returns! We walked by the Red River and took pictures along the way, hence this awesome slideshow. Enjoy.