Won’t Back Down

Well I wont back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

- I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty

How Far is the East from the West?

How often do we find ourselves fixating on our past sins?! I may even question… do we worship our sin? I find myself doing this FAR too often! I dwell on the sin. I let the sin define me. I find doing these things much easier than letting God define me, letting God forgive my sin and remove my transgressions as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103). God doesn’t want us to worship our sin! He desires for ALL of creation to worship and glorify Him (Psalm 148). Not only does He call on humans, but He calls on the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the animals among others to praise Him.

Furthermore, we are called to throw off everything that hinders us–including the sin that so easily entangles us (Hebrews 12:1). Instead, let us fill ourselves with God; let us keep all these wrong things (sin included) from coming to our minds. Let God define us, let God fill us. Let us set our mind on things above (Colossians 3:2).

Molding Clay

Right now my heart feels like lumpy clay that seriously needs to be molded. Tossed. Turned. Warped. I need a change. I have fallen in love, yet I am still needing to mold that clay into a form fitting pitcher so I can provide water to the seed that has been planted in my life. I don’t want the roots to shrivel up and die.

I also don’t want to start growing without revealing all of myself either. I need to speak the truth. I can’t hide my faults anymore because let’s be honest, I’m not flawless. I don’t want the seed to start growing and all of a sudden some crabgrass appears. I want this seed to become a beautiful, happy flower. Not some sorrowful, common rose. I want it to be a pretty flower that is worth staring at, smelling, and yes, even talking to. It could be a violet pansy, a red poinsettia, a yellow daisy. As long as it’s happy.

Looks like I have some truth telling to do.

James 3: A Story

I took the 5:54. Will you?

A Brick in the Road

My heart is deeply troubled. One of my guy friends that I message regularly on Facebook chat told me he was feeling horny and asked if I had a sex toy. I’m thinking I need to either de-friend him or avoid him. Luckily I told him not to violate Matthew 5:28, but I don’t think he understood that. He’s not exactly a church goer.

I’m sort of feeling like I need to hang around my gal friends from now on. I’m seriously tired of being around friends that really aren’t my friends. I’m tired of people trying to use me and treat me lower than a prostitute. At least prostitutes have some dignity. Men treat me like I have none.

I need to pray about this. I also need to discern God’s will for me. I know this is strange to say, but I have always wanted children. It’s a weird desire, I know. But at the same time, would an earthly marriage prevent me from having a closer relationship with God? Are all men like this? Sometimes I wonder.

Lord, I Lift My Brother to You

Are you there God? It’s me, Jessica. I have a formal request or should I say favor to ask. Please help my spiritual brother. I know he has been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately. Please comfort him and help him discern Your will for him.

I feel like I can’t stop thinking about him. Please help me to focus on You. Please help him focus on You. Because if You are not the key player in our lives, life simply isn’t worth living. We both need to bring You back into a clear focus. If we don’t, we will be headed for destruction, which is exactly what the enemy wants. Help us to push Satin away.

I love you more than anything, God. I praise You and I know that everything happens for a reason. Looking back on my life, I have realized that everything You brought me through was for a purpose: to bring me closer to You.

I pray that my brother is drawn closer to You. I ask that I will not drive him away from You because that is not what I want at all. I just want him to be really happy. I want him to be fully satisfied spiritually. If it takes him being away from me to do so, then that’s what it takes.

If he can no longer communicate with me, I will be understanding. Even though it hurts, I want him cross the finish line with You by his side. I just want to thank You for the time you let me spend with him because he has helped me in so many ways. He has truly has been a blessing. He helped me battle my sorrows when I needed it most. If only I could return the favor.

Mary, please pray for me to keep in touch with God. I know that praying has sometimes felt like work to me, but now I so badly need to talk to Him. My soul is in desperate need of prayer right now.

Lord Jesus, I love You. I praise You. You are number one in my life. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Cruelty

I am writing this because I am struggling with a particular issue: men. I don’t understand them. Period. It’s almost like there are little signs on their heads negating their thoughts. Why are they so confusing? Why are they so shallow?

I HATE men. Hate is a strong word, but fitting. I don’t want anything to do with them. I can’t even stand being around them right now.

Why does God give me men that are so cruel? Does He think it’s funny? I just don’t get it.

I’m not laughing.

My Heart is Breaking

Ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Ever felt like people hated you so much that they didn’t want you to exist anymore?

That’s how I feel.

I had a dream last night that made my veins shiver. I was walking on the shore of a misty ocean and came to sit down on grey, rugged rocks next to my really awesome guy friend. Words couldn’t even come out of my mouth. Something had muted my soul.

All he said in my dream was, “I don’t want to hang around you anymore.”

My heart stung. Mostly because I knew I deserved that answer. I knew of my stupidity and how I have treated him. I just want a time machine that will go back in time. I want to fix things so he doesn’t have to see the awful person I have become.

I don’t want to be this way anymore. I also wish that he saw me differently. I wanted him to like me as well.

I failed him. I failed myself. I failed God.

But I can’t stop living. I need to put my hopes of being with him to death. I need to pray and discern God’s will for me because I have been given a serious wake up call.

If only I could fix my broken heart.

Ready to Sprint

Get ready. Because I’m ready to change my life around. I’m ready to not only talk about God, I want to start ACTING like God. I want to be like Him so badly, even though I have screwed up things in my life. I am going to do everything possible in my spiritual muscle to gain back strength. I need God so much now it’s not even funny.

Thank God for my accountability partner, David. He couldn’t be more of a help to me this morning. While I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about my bad situation, he listened to me and reminded me that he would be praying for me. He told me to pull up my spiritual and Biblical muscle while I spend some serious alone time to think, meditate, and pray to God.

I’m not sure how I’m going to start this sprint with God, but I need to start now. I need to leap in and trust Him. I need to stop doubting God.

After all, He has created me. Doesn’t he deserve a little more than what I’m giving Him? He expects more from me. I expect more from me. Everyone should also expect more from me.

I’m ready.

Life

I am blogging tonight because I need to vent. I am tired of life right now. I hate living on this earth being an unwanted piece of trash. Why do people hate me? Why does God hate me? Why can’t I be a different person? Why does life have to be so complicated? Simply put: why am I a screw up?

You’d think I would be able to get by in life, pretending people can deal with me, pretending God is okay me, pretending I’m something I’m not.

You’re probably wondering what is twisting my heart to shreds right now. I feel like people hate me, yet can’t admit it to me. No. People are too damn nice for that.

I’m struggling. I’m searching. I’m reaching out to that last straw in my life, but I can’t find it. What the hell is wrong with me?

I want to be alone right now. I want to curl up into a big old dumpster where I belong. People need to lock up people like me.

I wish I could change my world this minute, but it doesn’t work that way.

It just is.