Raggamuffin Top Challenge

Over Christmas break, I have seriously gotten out of shape. Now that February is almost here, I’m completely up for a new challenge. I’ve been reading Ragamuffin Soul for a while now and decided this could be a fun thing to participate in. Here are the rules:

1. You must have a measurable goal.
2. You must place a photo or video on your blog each weekend and give us the scoop on how you did.
3. You must link back here so that the readers of your blog get to see how the rest of us are failing or succeeding.
4. You fill out the linky thing below and then people can get to your blog from my front page and we can cheer each other on.

These pants may look fine, but let me tell you… they are way too tight to wear all day. I’m a BIG fan of comfy clothes, hence why I usually wear stretchy pants and NOT jeans. So I’d like to fit comfortably in these again. Along with this goal, I want to be able to race a half marathon by the end of spring. The rest is measurable. 4 miles of running and 2 miles of swimming. I also want to continue the Biggest Loser 6 week program–cardio four times a week and the power sculpt three times a week. Ragamuffin Top Challenge, here I come!

Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica

Hello 2009

I just got done packing my boxes to bring back to North Dakota. I can’t believe 2009 is here! I have a few new years posts, but for now I’m going to unplug from my world of technology and enjoy being with my family. I hope you all had a happy new years!