Messy Relationships: Searching for Hope

I have been feeling very weak today about my forty-day fast. Sometimes I think, why am I not allowing myself to eat sweets or talk with a certain boy in my life?

I’ve been struggling over whether or not I should be with Jack. I decided I needed forty-days to clear my mind, and then, I could make a decision.

Only, I keep asking myself questions. What if I would be really happy with him someday? What if he changed? What if we could make it work? I know these questions seem illogical, but I still keep hoping.

But maybe I need to put my hopes to death. I can’t hope my way into a happy relationship; if he doesn’t try, then I get stuck in a mother-son relationship, rather then a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I feel like I’m taken for granted. He does not respect my values, morals, faith, decisions, and thoughts. I don’t feel secure in his love for me.

But being the people-pleaser/caregiver I am, I let him take me for granted, and I compromised myself in the process-one thing I REFUSE to do anymore. So I’m clearing my confused mind to think about God’s plan for a change.

Third Day

I’m on day three. Yep, day three of not eating sweets and not being with a certain boy in my life. Only, I have thirty-seven days left.

I’m fasting for forty days because I need time to think. I am trying to tell myself that I can live without him. I was happy before I met him, so why can’t I move on and be happy now? I know it takes time, but I feel impatient. I’m afraid my love for him will never end.

  The only words I think

I’ve been trying to speak

Wondering how to live

I will forgive

The only words I can say

Will never stray away

 

‘Cause I wish you well…

I wish you well…

  

A Hug from God

Hi there, it’s me. My day did not go as planned today, but I am now seeking truth in myself.

I ended a relationship with a boy that has been going on for two years. I’m not sure if we will ever get back together, but I really don’t think he wants to be with me, which is why I ended it. I love him but I feel like he is just using me. I want to get better at communicating to him, but he has not tried. I want to marry him someday, but I don’t think he feels the same way. For me, a relationship needs to have a good legacy; and if there is none, then why bother?

I’m trying to find myself. Where do I want to be? Where does the world want me to be? Or better yet, where does God want me to be? I need to pray for wisdom, strength, and love. I also need to pray for healing. And I will remember that I’m going to be okay because I am in God’s hands.

Since I seem to be forgetting…

Here’s a list of things I am thankful for:

1. True friends – I don’t know what I would do without them
2. The ability to write
3. Being able to exercise each day
4. My pretty blue bike
5. A boy that is in my life – even though I am not sure it would work out between us, he is still with me
6. Having a big, supportive family
7. I have a fresh start at NDSU
8. I live in Dinan, which is closer to my classes and the library
9. My brothers – for being able to talk to them over the phone
10. God