Breaking Away

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a specific biblical issue that has been pulling at my heart strings. The issue is about women in leadership and what womens’ roles are in the church. Frankly, if I was the creator of Christianity, I would allow women to be preachers. But I didn’t create Christianity (thankfully). God did. So I am going to be objective and search for truth.

For those of you who know me well, you may know that I have been thinking (for a long time) about becoming a chaplain. If I become a military chaplain, I would have to be ordained. Though if I became a chaplain at a hospital, that would not require ordination. In studying this issue on women in the church, I know it’s going to be hard to be objective. It’s going to be hard not to listen to the people who encourage me to become a military chaplain or say that since it is the only ministry position in the military, it is therefore okay to be a female chaplain in the military. Instead of listening to all the views of humans, I am going to seek God’s view, because that  is the only perspective that truly matters.

So get ready for some truth seeking posts in the next couple of months!

Unique, Creative Individual

Spent time with God tonight. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely, so I prayed about it. God comforted me and let me know that my loneliness is not from being alone; it is from my anxiety and stress. He told me to stop trying to follow everyone else’s plan and to follow His plan, as he made me a unique, creative individual. Though, I have a hard time believing that I should follow His plan. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and follow someone else’s plan. Guess I better start listening to God more.

Ragamuffin Top Week 4

This week was packed with studying, writing, homework, etc., but I did the best I could to exercise, so here ya go!

Sunday: Rested

Monday: Rested

Tuesday: Ran to class

Wednesday: Ran to class in a snow storm!

Thursday: Danced in the morning to wake up (I was studying for a test)

Friday: Rested

Saturday: Ran 2 miles in 20 minutes. Yay!

This is me listening to my pump up songs.

Ash Wednesday

Here’s my formula for Lent: – + + = x

Confusing, eh? Well it basically means subtraction plus addition equals multiplication. Usually I just take away something for lent, but I decided to add something as well this year. Thus, I think subtracting something habitual in my life and adding something good in my life will have an exponential effect.

So here’s the plan: I am giving up eating after 9 PM for lent (subtraction). I am also going to spend time in the Bible and prayer each night (addition). I will keep you posted on how this spiritual discipline goes.

How ’bout you? What are you doing for Lent? Any tips on how to devote more time to God?

Won’t Back Down

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.

Well I know whats right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

Hey baby there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down

Ragamuffin Top Week 3

February 15 – February 21 2009:

Sunday: Rested

Monday: Ran 2 miles in about 20 minutes

Tuesday: Ran 2 miles 20 min 54 sec

Wednesday: Ran 3 miles in 31 min 29 sec

Thursday: Rested

Friday: 3 miles in 28 min 19 sec! Woohoo!

Saturday: 0.5 miles in 4 min 59 sec

As you can see, this week went pretty well; however, I didn’t keep up with the Cardio Max and Powersculpt DVDs. It’s been hard enough keeping up with just the running, let alone the DVDs, so I might just do the DVDs 2-3 times a week.

Also, here’s my progress report on Nike+.

http://nikeplus.nike.com/nikeplus/?l=runners,runs,1815142081

Ragamuffin Week 2

February 8 – 14 2009:

Sunday: Power Sculpt level 1

Monday: Cardio Max (warm-up and 12 minute level 1), ran to class, lots of walking

Tuesday: Powersculpt level 2, ran to class, lots of walking, ran 2 miles in 18 min 4 sec! Woo hoo!

Wednesday: Ran to class; rested

Thursday: Rested

Friday: Danced with my mom–yay!

Saturday: Rested

P.S. I didn’t have lots of time this week, so I don’t have a video. Though I just bought a Nike+, so I will be able to track my runs! This most definitely makes my heart happy.

Ragamuffin Top Week 1

Jan 31-Feb 7 2009:

Saturday: Cardio Max level 2–this DVD tried to kill me! Haha, oh well.

Sunday: Power Sculpt level 2, ran 1 mile in about 9 minutes, walked 0.5 miles

Monday: 17 minutes – CardioMax; lots of walking

Tuesday: Rested

Wednesday: I ran to class because I was running late. I need to plan out my time better, but at least I got my exercise for the day!

Thursday: Rested. Wednesdays and Thursdays almost seem too busy to work out since there are too many classes on these days, so I’m gonna try to finish more homework earlier in the week so I will have time on these days.

Friday: Ran 2 miles in 18 min 46 sec! Walked: 0.5 miles. Yay! I’m getting in shape! Gradually.

Saturday: Rested (I had work from 0600 to 1700, so I was exhausted)

Raggamuffin Top Challenge

Over Christmas break, I have seriously gotten out of shape. Now that February is almost here, I’m completely up for a new challenge. I’ve been reading Ragamuffin Soul for a while now and decided this could be a fun thing to participate in. Here are the rules:

1. You must have a measurable goal.
2. You must place a photo or video on your blog each weekend and give us the scoop on how you did.
3. You must link back here so that the readers of your blog get to see how the rest of us are failing or succeeding.
4. You fill out the linky thing below and then people can get to your blog from my front page and we can cheer each other on.

These pants may look fine, but let me tell you… they are way too tight to wear all day. I’m a BIG fan of comfy clothes, hence why I usually wear stretchy pants and NOT jeans. So I’d like to fit comfortably in these again. Along with this goal, I want to be able to race a half marathon by the end of spring. The rest is measurable. 4 miles of running and 2 miles of swimming. I also want to continue the Biggest Loser 6 week program–cardio four times a week and the power sculpt three times a week. Ragamuffin Top Challenge, here I come!

Answers that haunt me…

My accountability partner shared her answers to John Wesley’s questions, so I figured I’d better do the same. Here are my answers:

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I hypocrite?

Alright, you caught me. I consciously create the impression that I am a better Christian, student, daughter, etc. than I really am. I feel like I need to be perfect in everything I do, so I’ll do anything to appear perfect. I’ve even went as far as cheating or keeping a secret or breaking a promise or lying, even though I feel extremely guilty and worthless in the end. I don’t want to do anything to break my integrity anymore; I want to live authentically. I want to be REAL—even if I fail at something.

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

Just as above, I don’t always practice what I preach.

3. Do I confidently pass on to another what I was told in confidence?

Usually, though I try hard not to talk about others behind their back, unless it’s something that needs prayer. I learned to keep many things to myself growing up with two separate families.

4. Can I be trusted?

I can be trusted when people share their feelings and perspectives with me. I’m usually open-minded and try to see things from their point of view. Yet in some areas of my life, I know I’m not trustworthy or dependable. For instance, sometimes I end up being late to things (i.e. classes, meetings, obligations, etc) or I say “yes” to too many people and end up getting so burnt out that I end up disappointing someone, hence why one of my new year’s resolutions is to learn how to say “no.” It’s such a short word yet such a hard thing to say (for me at least).

5. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to dress, but I can be a slave to friends and work, and having OCD, I’m definitely a slave to habits. I’m getting better at saying “no” to my friends and work. Still, I tend to be a slave to habits. That’s why I have such a hard time getting anywhere or finishing anything. It’s hard for me to start studying because I seem to have a “check your email 20 times, find every picture you can on Facebook, pick off every particle of dirt on the floor, wash my hands a million times, and randomly search for something irrelevant to my life right now on Google” ritual. Yep. I’m a slave to habits, particularly habits on the internet. How do I break this habit? I know that I can’t just all of a sudden quit the internet since I need it for school. Maybe I should limit my time? Or only allow myself to do things that’s not related to school, work, Intervarsity, the Bible, or writing on the weekends? This sounds like a possibility. I’m going to try this and let you know how it goes.

6. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

All three of these fit me so well it’s as if John Wesley knew me personally. I am VERY self-conscious, particularly when I have to speak in front of people or when I’m trying to be accepted by others. Also, self-pity is one sin that I really need to get rid of! I constantly think, “Nobody cares about you” or “You just can’t do any better” or “Nobody guy would ever want to be with you.” So what if I got hurt? Jesus was betrayed—He didn’t throw a pity party so neither should I. I need to stop justifying my sins!

7. Did the Bible live in me today?

Honestly, no. I was doing so well before. What happened?? I need to figure out a good time to read the Bible. Maybe during lunch?

8. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

Nope. I need to change this!!!

9. Am I enjoying prayer?

Lately prayer is feeling like a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like I have to deal with some things on my own. But that is so untrue! God wants to help in all areas of my life.

10. When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

November 2008. Sharing my faith is probably the hardest area for me. I need serious help in this area. One reason I have a hard time sharing is because Christianity does not actually make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to me, how can I explain it to someone who doesn’t know about it? I like to understand things historically, scientifically, politically, psychologically, linguistically, geographically, philosophically, and so on. I feel like I can’t get enough information. And sometimes it feels like Christianity contradicts itself. Why does the New Testament contradict the Old Testament? Why does God all of a sudden change His mind about everything when Jesus comes? I like to think that God is the same God all the time. One time I asked a pastor what happened to the people before Jesus came. He said, “Well, I think that God would somehow let them know Christ before they die.” For some reason, that answer didn’t work for me. Christianity is a historical religion, but why would God be so hard to reach that you have to look for specific events that have happened in history? This is why Eastern religions make more sense to me sometimes since they care more about insight. Also, Catholics have seven extra books in their Bible—are these books the Word of God too? There are 15 different versions of the Bible, which one do I follow? How come the prophets mention that homosexuality is a sin, but “somehow” God doesn’t talk through them about their polygamous sexual sins? This seriously makes me question the Divine authority of the Bible. In the Bible, one minute slavery is okay, then it’s not okay, then it’s okay again, then it’s not, then it is… Why isn’t this more clear? Wouldn’t God’s Word be less ambiguous? Why didn’t heaven and hell exist in Judaism? Why does this theology all of a sudden appear? And why does the Bible contradict what God has spoken to me personally? Once I committed a terrible sin and of course, Yahweh, the God in the Bible, states that I should be stoned to death for that sin. I read that verse every day for about a year, punishing myself everyday for it until finally, I took it to God. And of course, God told me that He loved me, that He had great plans for me. It makes me cry. I’m confused. Was that voice that said, “I love you and have great plans for you” not God? Should I really in fact be stoned to death?

P.S. I am very sorry for my personal rant on this topic. I do struggle with doubt… a lot. But I have once heard that doubt is what makes us grow stronger in our faith. Sometimes I think all of these doubts/ideas that enter my mind is God’s way of challenging me to think deeper. I don’t believe that God wants us to have all the answers. He wants us to dig deeper so we will learn more from it in the end.

11. Do I pray about the money I spend?

No. I should really be doing this now as I am struggling financially.

12. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

A big no. At first, I wasn’t sure why this question was listed. Then I thought about my basic training experience and realized why it was asked. If I didn’t fall asleep and wake up on time in basic training, I wouldn’t perform my best throughout the day. It also makes me feel tired, and I think the enemy wants all of us to feel this way. It’s easier for him to tell us lies when we are tired.

13. Do I disobey God in anything?

Yes. When I was in my previous relationship, God kept telling me to “get out” of it, but I second guessed God’s answer and felt that He didn’t understand my feelings/situation. How silly of me!

14. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscious is uneasy?

Regrettably yes. If I want to do better in something to “make myself look better,” I will do it even if I feel guilty about it.

15. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Terribly defeated. Academically, socially, personally, and other areas.

16. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, or distrustful?

ALL of these, especially impure, irritable, and distrustful.

17. How do I spend my spare time?

Surfing the internet, reading, studying, writing, cleaning, hanging out with friends, and so on.

18. Am I proud?

No.

19. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

No (Luke 18:9-14). I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else.

20. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard?

Sometimes I fear my stepmother, professors, and peers.

21. Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Sadly yes. I need to start being more positive!

22. Is Christ real to me?

Christ is very real to me, which is why I want to understand everything about Him. With all the different denominations within Christianity, I have a hard time understanding His message. This is something I need pray to Him about.

Dear God:

I praise you for being a forgiving God, a God of second chances. I’m sorry for having so many doubts about you Lord. Please help me to grow stronger in my faith. The answers to these questions are thoughts that haunt me all the time. Please make my thoughts more clear so I can have a refreshed mind in You, Lord. I ask for wisdom, so that I may understand Your message and not get swiped away in the world’s message.

Thank you so much for my accountability partner. She is so patient and forgiving of me. She makes me want to be more like You, Lord. I ask that You can help her balance school, family, friends, and You. Help her with her time management and computer habits. I struggle with these same things and it’s not easy to get better. Remind us to turn to You when we struggle with habits, time, and anything that may seem like it’s unworthy to go to You about.

I also want to thank you for the time I have in school. Even though it can be frustrating at times, I am so grateful that I can have an education. Please help me to be more grateful Lord. I don’t want to forget to live for You, the One who gave life to me in the first place.

I love you,

Jessica